Tides of the moon

I wasn't feeling as well as usual today, touches of anxiousness kept creeping up on me throughout the day and It made me think back to around this time last year when I was deep and buried in a black pit of despair suffering from chronic anxiety disorder. I remember searching the internet trying to find information on the internet from people that had been in the same place as me and somehow made it through but I couldn't find anything like that. Mostly what I read were people in a similar mind state to me feeling the same black despair I was and crying out for help, which made me feel much worse as it was hard to see any way out of where I was. I thought to myself that if I could get better I would write about how I was and how it is possible for a person suffering from extreme constant anxiety to improve and find their way back how they were feeling before anxiety overwhelmed their life. So if someone in the same place as me went searching they could possibly get some hope from reading this and realize that they will be the person they were before they got sick, in fact they will be all the better from having dealt with this illness and coming out the other side an even stronger and wiser person.

I've been quite an anxious person always but I have had two extremely black periods where anxiety completely over whelmed me, one was when I was 20 and that was partially brought on by substance abuse, I don't really recall that time of my life that well now as I don't look back at it much. The second time was last year and in a way it seemed to come out of no where but looking back there were signs. I wasn't sleeping well and was feeling over emotional about everything. I was working really hard in a job that was making me miserable, my best friend had just moved away and I had just moved in with my boyfriend and I wasn't taking the time to destress or focus on any of the positive things in life, my overview on life was pretty negative and I didn't see the point in much. I think a combination of these things set me off on a downward spiral to depression and as a result of that anxiety.

It really started to take hold when I stopped sleeping completely  I would lay awake all night feeling my anxiety rise and fall likes waves. I felt trapped, like I desperately needed to escape but there was no exit in sight so I would fall into despair and start to make plans of how to end it. I would have terrible visions of myself ending my life which would upset but also bring me some comfort at the same time. Slumped over watching my blood from my wrists flow down the shower drain feeling my consciousness fade, I imagined I would then feel weightless and would rise and leave all worries behind.

Struggling with anxiety is no way a easy thing, It is like a devil is inside of you eating you up and causing chaos but this devil is invisible to everybody around you and only you can feel the pain he's putting you through. In reality it is your subconscious mind causing this distress, which seems hard to believe sometimes. When you feel yourself starting to get anxious try to quickly remember what you where thinking about just before the anxiety started this can help you put together the puzzle of why you start to feel this way and can stop your thoughts from rolling on and on in this way and causing your anxiety to heighten and then peak. This was hard for me I felt like it came out of nowhere but I began to notice certain patterns and would attempt to put a stop to my thoughts by instead thinking of something comforting or calming. I would attempt to distract myself by listening to a song I love and just repeating the lyrics in my head till I felt the worst of it fade.

I went to the doctor and they prescribed me antidepressants this is usually what they will do in this situation.I didn't really want to go on antidepressants I felt like I was I being weak and I should find a way to cope with my own emotions but I also knew that I needed the anxiety to lessen so I could find the strength to learn ways to cope with it and diminish it's hold on me. A lot of people think that as soon as they start taking SSRI's everything will straight away be fixed. In truth it takes longer and you need to be patient and strong and trust me in end you feel the results of the increased serotonin. Also sometimes the first type of antidepressant the doctor prescribes you may not work for you try not to be disheartened by this as you will find the right drug to aid you. A side effect of starting to take these drugs  is that it actually initially increases you anxiety which is obviously the last thing you want but this does pass and you will start to feel a shift. Some people feel this around the 2 week mark other people like me felt it more towards the month mark but if don't feel it by then don't panic we are all different so will therefore take to the drug in different ways. The shift is just a feeling of improvement, for me I felt the surging anxiety in the stomach decrease a bit.

During the time I was waiting for for the SSRI to kick in the doctors prescribed me lorazapam which is a sedative I only took this when I was feeling particularly bad as it took me away from myself too much. They also gave me zopiclone a non-benzodiazepine hypnotic aka sleeping pill which would knock me out for 8 hours a night so my insomniac ways would come to an end. I felt like a bit of a pill popping freak but I knew it was necessary at the time. It was around this time I quit my job I knew I needed to take sometime to focus on getting better. If you yourself feel fine to carry on at work definitely do it as a lot of people feel better with the daily distraction of work, I myself felt my anxiety levels rise through the roof when I was there. Everyone is different and should approach the healing process in a way that works for you.

You will feel strange when you start taking SSRI's no doubt about it, you will feel alien within your own mind, I felt disconnected from everyone and everything but as I said before it will pass don't feel distressed as it's not something that is permanent it's just an adjustment period. When finding ways to cope during this period I can not recommend exercise enough! Even though it usually feels like the last thing you want to do it helps incredibly. I would go for a jog a day to help lift me up and the endorphin's released would help so much and would give me great temporary relief from the anxiety symptoms. Also when you are feeling extreme distress don't bottle it talk to someone, anyone. Once when I was feeling particularly bad I called the crisis line they have for people with mental health issues and the advice they gave really helped. One time they asked my to put ice in my hand and just focus on nothing but the coldness and swap it from hand to hand until it was water, I did this and felt within a minute my distress levels lesson and I could relax again. I also felt writing helped whatever I felt I  released onto a page and it brought feelings of relief. Take pleasure in the small things like reading a book you enjoy, taking a walk by the sea or patting your pets. Stay positive and keep trying to find the beauty in life even when you feel you're at your lowest point.

I started seeing a therapist for cognitive behavioral therapy. I won't go into what he taught me as it would take forever but he helped me build up confidence within myself and see anxiety not as this towering monster but a hill that just needs to be climbed to be conquered.

At about 2-3 months I felt real improvement my anxiety lessened to mild and I could do things again. I started to see friends again and applying for jobs, I even felt well enough to visit my best friend in Australia.  I got a part time job that I enjoyed and starting working full time again after awhile. It was then I noticed that the anxiety had left me. I had a look at my career plan and decided I wanted to follow a career in natural health one that helps people relax and cope with daily stress so I decided to train to become a massage therapist and that's what I'm currently doing. I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is there is a way out, when you're down in the dark depths of this illness know that you will be able to swim to the surface again you just need to stay strong and always hold hope close to you and that is what I'm trying to give you by writing this, hope.